Confessions Last Forever
by Angel Leviathan
Summary: Today she looked Sarah Jane in the eye and saw everything that could happen to her, all the possibilities, in an instant.


Title: Confessions Last Forever

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: School Reunion

Disclaimer: Doctor Who, characters, concept, etc, don't belong to me.

Notes: Set a little after School Reunion ends.

* * *

There's too much to explain. 

Rose isn't sure how exactly how she can explain anything to Mickey and she isn't sure she wants to. Things like how she has her own room in the TARDIS, but she barely uses it. That it has all her belongings in it and she gets dressed there every morning, but she doesn't ever truly live there.

What she doesn't want to explain is why she sleeps in the Doctor's bed every night. Its nothing incriminating and they haven't ever…got up to anything…but she knows the words would mean something entirely different when said out loud. She can't explain it, because even she doesn't know why it happens. Why they're both content with it and why they don't talk about it.

They find Mickey his own room, and for some reason she's desperately hoping it will only be temporary. That he'll find something on a planet that will scare him to death and make him beg to go home. She knows the thought is cruel. But she doesn't want him there. Rose thinks it must make her a bad person that she likes knowing he's there to go back to, but she doesn't want him as an active force in her life. Certainly not in the capacity he thinks he's going to be. Mickey shoots a questioning gaze in her direction, as if to ask why they aren't sharing a room, but she doesn't look back and she doesn't offer him an answer. She makes sure he's okay for the night and closes the door to 'his' room behind her, doesn't kiss him goodnight.

For once, Rose finds herself in her own bed. Confused and alone and trapped in the same circle of thoughts. What she wants and what she doesn't want. What the Doctor said and what he didn't say. What she could do when it was just them and now she…can't. She isn't that callous. She might actively resent Mickey for being there, but she loved him once, and she won't try to drive him away, even if she might already long for him to be gone. To her, the Doctor means freedom. Mickey grounds her in a way she can't escape. And, on some, horrible, level, she hates him for it.

Rose gives up and tries to head silently to the Doctor's room. She doesn't knock on the door, she rarely ever has, even when she first knew him, and goes inside. Its dark and there is no noise, but she knows the Doctor is awake. She crawls beneath the sheets with him and doesn't say a word. He throws an arm over her and she burrows closer to him, and they are silent, until she can't take the normally comforting silence anymore.

"…You'll leave me behind one day," she states, calmly, not in an accusing manner.

"No, I wont," he insists.

"You'll have to. I'll get old, I'll get slow, and I'll get into trouble."

"More so than you do now?"

"You know what I mean. If I'm not already…gone…" Rose says softly. She doesn't like to think of her own mortality. Never has done. But today she looked Sarah Jane in the eye and saw everything that could happen to her, all the possibilities, in an instant.

The Doctor doesn't reply. Perhaps he tightens his grip on her, but he can't reply. He won't. He's seen too much death in his lifetime to contemplate another right now.

"…Was I wrong? Or can you jus' not say that word?" she asks. She could hear the pain in his voice when he had explained to her exactly why he had to be…alone. Why she was just a blip…like all the others blips…but he wouldn't let her go so easily. Why? She didn't understand. But he had made out she didn't understand, and would never understand, what it was like to watch someone you…well, the forbidden word went there…fade and die. She knew. That much she did understand. She knew exactly what it was like for someone you…damnit, it wasn't forbidden for her…love, go up, quite literally, in flames. And become…someone else.

Fate is unkind. Or perhaps it is time. It has thrown her her worst nightmare and shoved it into a blue box. The past, present, and future as one. A past she can't escape, a past a few doors down from them, a present she can't fathom and a future that is…starting to become clear. Sarah-Jane Smith. Rose Tyler. Not so much difference. Right?

But she isn't going to run. She has stared down worse than this. So she tries to tell herself. More often, getting the Doctor to talk is more of a struggle than an all out war against an entire planet. She is going to get answers. Even if they destroy her. Even if they break her heart.

The Doctor's eyes are closed as he speaks, as if he daren't look at her, "Its self defence, Rose. You know very well about that. If I say that word, I'm done for. I have to live past it, I have to endure time without someone who I've said that word to. It's a curse. I wasn't lying. I can't stop time and I can't stay the way I am," he knows his voice is almost harsh as he continues, but he has to hit home with his words, he has to make her hurt and she has to understand, "So you'll have to excuse me if I can't provide the confession you're wanting."

If it were anyone else, she might consider pulling away from his embrace and leaving. But the pain she knows was coming. And with it came honesty. He can feel the emotion, but he can't say the words. Because he'll remember saying them and when she, or when anyone else, is gone, it will break his hearts. He wont be able to be offhand about being alone anymore.

Suddenly, she doesn't care if Mickey finds them like this. Its something he'll have to get used to. She can't change just for him, she can't change back. That hurts too, but she will have to be cruel to be kind, to get him to understand that her relationship with the Doctor is different to any other relationship she has had in her life. It's forever changing and it often hurts like hell, but she can't step back from it, no matter what happens.

"…I know…" Rose answers quietly. She feels the brush of his lips against her jaw-line and closes her eyes.

The future is going to hurt.

**Fin**


End file.
